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The Stand
I'm not sure I'm qualified to review this one yet, as I've only seen part
I. But, it sucked so bad that I feel safe to say that the whole movie is gonna
bite. The characters were some of the lamest stuff I'd ever seen. It's like
they had a big barrel full of lousy stereotypes and they just picked at random.
I admit that I liked the fact that it was apocalypse by disease instead of
nuclear war, But that was the only thing that kept me going. Well... that and
Molly Ringwald. Grrrrrr.
People keep telling me that the book is really super great, but I wouldn't
know because I am illiterate. But for that reason, I won't slam the movie too
hard. But unless it is $.50 at the Video Store... then get something good like
"Beyond the Valley of the Dolls".
O.K. I finally finished the other part of this movie. If it is any
indication what the end of the world is going to be like, I'm gonna kill
myself. If they pay you $2.00 to rent this movie, don't take it. It's 6 hours
of your life you will never have back. Think about it. That is 12 episodes of
the Simpsons. Here is what makes you watch it, though. After tape 1) Hmm...
Pretty crappy, but maybe it gets better in tape 2? After tape 2) I hate life
and this idiot movie. But then again, maybe it gets better in the second half.
After tape 3) Man, I'm really ruined now... there is no chance of this being
good, but I've already wasted 4 1/2 hours of my life. Might as well screw it
all up.
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City Limits
I saw this one in its MST3K version. And thank god for that. I would have
had to question my desire to continue in this project if I had seen this turkey
in its regular form. You know what is wacky though? It has James Earl Jones
in it... What the hey? Also, its got Kim Katrell , grrrrrrr. Of course
Croooow was going wacky all over her. He's in love you know.
Anyway, on to the movie. It was death by plague which was nice to see.
Considering the lack of ideas in this film, you would have guessed they would
have copped out with Nuclear War. But, that's about as far as the originality
went. Oh yeah... plague... O.K. Anyway, only kids are left, for the most
part, and they form roving motorcycle gangs which divide the city and rule
according to issues of the comic book "Insect Man".
I know what you are going to say, "So what's the bad part?" Don't make me
bludgeon you with sausage... Because I will do it.
I wish I could remember more of Joel and the Robots dialogue, cause they
worked this movie up and down. I do remember two things; 1) They went off on
this tangent about creating their own super heroes which ruled, and 2) They
make fun of the standard Post-Apoc convention of theme costumes. With 1) They
had some gems, like "Really Deep Man! -- he's realllly deeep man". And "Man
Man! -- All the powers of a normal man, but he's a man." That killed me. For
2) Joel made some crack like, "We gotta get more theme costumes, these guys are
kicking our butts." This was because the bad guy bike gang were equipped with
Napoleon costumes and junk like that. The good guys just looked like
Soundgarden or something.
Anyway, unless your friend has a copy of this on video from Joel and the
bots, don't bother. It will make you wanna poke your eyes out with
cocktail franks.
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Twelve Monkeys
Terry Gilliam is a genius. Plain and simple. I remember as a kid that Time Bandits
always freaked me out everytime it was on HBO, but I couldn't turn it off. It was so creepy and
dirty looking. Then came Brazil (or at least, that's the order I saw them in) and my fear was replaced
with confusion. I still don't completely understand Brazil, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise you, I hardly understand
the Dukes of Hazzard.
Anyway, I had very, very high hopes for this here monkey movie... and I wasn't disappointed.
This is neat because we can see the world from all sides of the apocalypse; before, during and
after. The future looked great. Reminded me a lot of City of Lost Children, as far as the neat devices
and low-tech gadgets went. (I think the trick to make those look neat, is to make them brassy). Anyway,
apocalypse by plague, which is always a nice change. And I really liked the actors... yes, yes, I know
that Brad Pitt was in it, but I thought he did pretty good. We can argue about it later.
Like I was saying, the movie makes you feel dizzy and almost nauseous, during and afterwards. I
took that as a sign that it was actually affecting me, rather than my usual movie-watching state. (i.e. Beer,
Popcorn, Bathroom, Beer) I mean, I was really interested in what was happening. So, I recommend this
one through the roof. If you want a really disturbed, but fun, evening, then get this one and City of
Lost Children in one night. I guarantee you will feel weird afterwards. Just remember to pay very close
attention. There is much you will miss otherwise.
Doh! I almost forgot. I wanted to ask peoples opinion on the dream sequence. You know, how
the guy with the briefcase who gets shot is always different? My theory is that they were actually
changing time with their actions, even though they didn't think this was possible. Or, maybe Bruce Willis
just had a lousy memory? Let me know what you think.
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The Omega Man
Allright, get off my back. So what if I just saw this one last week (Sept 1st). I mean, have you seen
all the damn movies I have to watch? ...sheesh. Anyway, I watched this one right after I force myself
to sit through "Metalstorm: the destruction of Jared Syn", which I won't be reviewing. Some nut told
me it was post-apocalyptic, where it's actually like a cross between Beastmaster and Spacehunter. Just
stupid future movie in outer space. Anyway, I was really down after that... I didn't wanna watch anymore
of these movies. Well, I gave it one more chance and watched The Omega Man. Ahh... sweet bliss.
Here's what's good about this one. 1) Apocalypse by plague, 2) Zombie-ish cultists, 3) Charleton Heston
as a nutso trigger-happy doctor, 4) the foxy afro lady. Heh heh... dang. Most of the movie is just
Chuck wandering through abandon New York, shooting and looting. Heck, I could watch that for hours.
But then, of course, trouble in paradise. Evil anti-tech troglodytes have to muck everything up.
But then there are these kids and a sweet-talking soul sister, who is attracted to Chuck for god-knows-why. (the pants I bet)
Anyway, this one is a whopper. Not hard to watch at all. I've heard it's a little slicker than the original,
"The last man on Earth", with Vincent Price, but still good. It only gets silly for a moment at the end. Chuck is dead
and bleeding into a fountain and he collapses in a christ-pose. Then the movie goes all psychedelic looking.
Actually.. that part was o.k. Like I was saying though... this one rates at least in the top ten... I'm glad I
got to watch it... because tonight I have to sit through Damnation Alley... ugh.
Editor's Note: O.K. Some smart guy mailed me saying that the city is Los Angeles and not New York. I guess that's true. Whatever.
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Virus -- Guest Review, mailed in by tetsuo@smartt.com
There are two versions to this film: the first is edited export version in
which they cut out most of the Japanese scenes(obviously translating them
to English is a hassle) which were about 30 to 40 minutes of the film and
the unedited Japanese version. The movie is about a russian virus which is
accidentally released and then goes to contaminate the rest of the world,
it kills so fast that civilization collapses in a couple of months, the
only survivors are those in antartica because the virus becomes dormant in
extreme cold temps. From their they learn that there will be an impending
earthquake in washington(as to how they found out, I have no idea) and this
will automatically launch all the nukes at russia then russia will
launch....(you get the idea). This is film is nicely shot and well done,
the casting is somewhat biziarre with Chuck Connors playing a british
submarine commander! Some scenes here are downright funny such as in the
Japanese version, there is a scene featuring virus victims doing the
disco(yes the Travolta style) before they drop over, another scene is when
a lover of the Japanese guy in antartica tries use a speed boat to get to
the north Pole from Japan!(well good luck). There are also two endings for
this movie, the good ending is in the Japanese version and the bad ending
is the export version(as I watched it when I was in the Phillipines). This
movie is supposedly the most expensive Japanese film done(because of all
those famous actors), it is well shot and done(it better be worth it). Also
watch out for other actors such as Robert Vaugn, Olivia Hussy, Glenn Ford,
Edward James Olmos(before Blade Runner), Bo Svenson, Henry Silva(the bad
guy from Escape From the Bronx) . Recomended.
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