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Deathrace 2000
This one is pretty darn good. You don't get to see what the world is
really like, which is sad, but I mean, if they focused on the outside world
then you might not have some of the killing scenes. And if they didn't have the
scene with the car peeling out on the guy, it just wouldn't be worth it. Also,
I don't like the fact everyone is pretty much civilized. I like the movies
where people just scavenge and kill. There are many good points in this movie,
however. One, Sylvester Stalone is in it... dang. Two, David Carradine is in
it. Three, my great grandpappy is in it!!
The basic premise is that every year there is a trans-continental road race
in which points are scored both for time and for killing pedestrians. The rest
of the sub-plots and such are pretty lame, but what else do you need. I mean,
did I mention you get points in the race for killing pedestrians?!?!
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Mad Max
I wish I understood this movie a little better. What I mean to say is, is
it before the apocalypse? Or is it immediately after it? I mean, things still
seem rather civilized, with the exception of the bike gangs. But, at the start
of "The Road Warrior" everything has gone to hell. I have several theories for
this.
Maybe (in the Road Warrior future) the major (unbombed) cities are still
relatively civilized, but as you approach the wasteland, things get crazy? Is
that what that long drive at the end of Mad Max is all about? I have no idea,
but that is my guess. Or maybe the two movies are before and after the
apocalypse? Or maybe I have way too much free time on my hands? I won't argue
the last one. Perhaps I'll start drinking more beer to fill up my free time?
As if that were possible.
In any case, this is one of my favorite movies. The bikers and their names
are really rad. I love the cop's interceptor cars and the shotguns. I'm a
sucker for the leather suits they all were as well. I have a leather suit of
my own... only, it's not really geared for outdoor wear. Really though, I
think I like this movie so much, because it leads to the sequel.
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The Road Warrior
If real life turns out to be anything like the movies, I hope it imitates
The Road Warrior. I love everything about this movie. It makes me want to
hoard bullets and gasoline just thinking about it.
Sometimes I think this movie is the only reason I don't sell my van. I
mean, I'm going to have to have some kind of Apocalypse vehicle. I figure we
will armour the van all up and put in a turret of some kind. We'll be ready to
rock. I'll be like a traveling minstrel, bringing love to the land, only I
will be killing bikers along the way. O.k. I'm getting carried away now.
I really like Mad Max's side kick in this movie as well. I can't remember
what his name is supposed to be, if in fact we ever know. I also like Feral
Boy, the kid with the boomerang. When I was in 6th grade, I skipped school and
watched this movie without permission. It blew my mind. Feral Boy became my
hero that day. Of course I was really in it for the nudity.
Editor's Note: I sold my van to two hippies in the summer of '96. So much for the bitchin apocalypse van.
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Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome
Alot of people give this movie a really hard time. Most of it is deserved,
but if you watch the movie again and just concentrate on the beginning, it is
rad. I hate Mad Max with long hair, so that sucks, but look at all his guns.
Dang. I also like that the sidekick from Road Warrior makes another
appearance. It seems like he is even doing better than Max.
I think if I was going to have to be a scavenger in the future, then I
would model myself after the sidekick. I mean, he never _really_ hurts anyone,
he just steals from them. And he usually has real sneaky ways to do it. I
would do the same kind of thing, only I would use one of the dollar on a string
tricks... heh heh... that one gets them every time.
Bartertown is a good idea as well, but after they escape from there, the
movie really bites it. I don't know what the hell is going on with those lost
pack of kids. I thought I was watching Peter Pan. But I won't dwell on this.
This movie is worth at least $1.50 at the video store. That's more than I can
say for most movies. (Usually, I'll only pay fitty cents).
Editor's Note: I was corrected on this one. The sidekick (gyrocaptain)
in this movie is apparently called "Dogmeat" and even though it is played by the same
actor, it is a different character. So says rlp12352@cdsnet.net
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Defcon 4
Defense Condition 4. There you are, watching T.V. with your friends,
drinking some beer... and blammo! This movie kicks you right in the butt. It
has everything. There are parts that are ridiculously cheesy, then it gets
crazy-ass tense. I loved it.
Sadly, I seem to have forgotten most of the details. This is especially
sad because I just watched it last week. I can tell you this, there are crazy
people in neat apocalypse tanks and there are cannibals. I got a good idea
from this movie. You take a tractor and armor it to high heaven. Then you can
kick anyone's butt.
So, to recap. Even though this one is death by nuclear war, it still
rocks... Oh wait... I remember what I was gonna babble about... They add a new
twist in this movie. Sailboats are like gold. See, everyone wants clean air,
and they figure South America is the place to go. But noone has gas anymore
(what else is new). So.. Sailboats.
I like that the real bad asses use human
labor too. Dang... i talk alot.
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Delicatessan
Boy, I bet if you had to guess, you wouldn't even think I knew where the
furrin section was in the video store. Well, I guess we are both wrong. This
movie has become my new favorite post-apocalyptic movie of all time. It adds
so much to the "genre". (See, I'm even usin fancy words and junk.) Here is
just a taste.
First of all, it's interesting that there seems to be some vestiges of
civilization left. I think that's pretty realistic. Then, the goofy stuff
they add completely makes it. The trogloditists or whichever. They reminded
me of the cursed earth mutates in Judge Dredd comics... wait... I'm getting
this mixed up. I think there are real troglodite characters in Judge Dredd
too... Anyway, the images in this movie make it supreme.
Don't get me wrong, I don't know anything about camera angles, lighting or
whatever. Alls I know is that these guys knew what they were doing.
Everything had this hyper-real color to it. When they'd show the butcher's
face and evil grin... it looked perfect.
This movie had many images and ideas in it that (As far as I know) have
never been done before. I mean, filling a bathroom with water to escape an
angry mob? A big group of civilized happy cannibals? A man who lives half
submerged in water with an army of frogs and snails? I'd like to meet someone
who didn't care for this movie. Just so's I could punch them in the face.
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Future Kill
From the cover of this beauty I didn't know what to expect. Actually, the
cover of the copy I got was made of lined paper. But the regular cover looks
like a Geiger painting. Anyway, I figured it would be aliens and junk.
Instead, it was like a cross between Revenge of the Nerds and Road Warrior or
something. I thought it was pretty bitchin. Here is my guess on the origins
of the film.
It's the 80's, DEVO is huge. A couple of geeky kids from Athens want to
make a movie. Not only that, but they want to get back at all the fraternity
kids who've pushed them around. Why not put a bunch of new wavers in the film
and have them kick the crap out of a bunch of jocks and preps? Sounds
brilliant to me. This movie also had a little gratuitous nudity, which always
helps. This movie also had new wave bands up the ass. I mean really good
ones. I swear, one of the chicks was the chick from X.
Anyway, rent this movie. Splatter (the villain) is rad, and i think it's
pretty subtle in its ridicule of the greek system. Of course, Smokey and the
Bandit was too cerebral for me.
You know, this movie may or may not be post-apocalyptic... but it is in the
future and people dress like new wavers and road warriors. Let's say I just
relax my standards and make it count...
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Exterminator of the Year 3000
I'm sure this isn't going to surprise you, but I loved this damn movie.
Basically, it is Road Warrior in Italian, for about 1/3 the budget. But noone
is saying that isn't a good thing. I'm so dumb that I could watch Road Warrior
ripoffs till I die, and still think I was gettin the goods.
What made this movie different from Road Warrior was some of the following.
1) Water, not gasoline, is the precious fluid in this movie. 2) The car chase
scenes are as good, or better, than the ones in road warrior... they really
worked on these. 3) There are some good subplots, an evil temple of mutated
water hoarders being one of the best.
What sucks is that it is dubbed... although this kind of adds a little
atmosphere here and there. You can almost think you are watching a Godzilla
movie. Also, the blood is cheesy as all get out. Now that I think about it, I
think they were taking a stab at Mad Max with this movie too. In the
beginning, two rogue cops in a bitchin cop car go out to stop the freaks and
bandits. They are killed in about 3 minutes.
Now that we are on the subject, this movie steals from everyone. I'm
starting to think that I don't really pay attention when I watch movies. My
brain goes into T.V. mode. I can't even hear you if you are talking to me,
unless you say "Beer" or "Tacos".
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Akira
Well, somebody gave me some grief for not having this one up, so here you
go. Of course you all realize that the floodgates are open now. I mean, now
I'll be adding nearly every single anime movie in the universe. But it also
saves me some time, because I've already seen em all. Anyway, here goes.
I saw this about 1 1/2 years ago, I wasn't sure what to expect because I'd been
watching a lot of low grade naughty anime, like Vampire Hunter Yohko and junk.
Anyway, this one blew me outta the water. I've heard rumours that, at the time
it came out, it set new records for number of frames per second in anime. They
also invented and copyrighted new colors for animation.
I especially like the beginning of the movie, when it is just the punk kids
running around, causing trouble and riding motorcycles. It is a lot like Blade
Runner I think, I mean, that beginning part. After that, though, all hell
breaks loose.
See, there is latent psychic power in all humans, I guess, and some of us
have it more than others. Well, this kid Akira is chock full of psychic energy
and he starts going haywire with it. At this point, the movie is pretty much
like a Japanese monster movie. With Akira in the role of Godzilla. At least
that's how I looked at it, because I was too dumb to understand what the hell
was going on in the plot.
If you understand the end of this you have to tell me. I mean, this is
what I got outta it. Akira starts expanding and destroying the planet, but
then his friends meld with him and act as a consciousness to his destruction.
So they only kill evil people. Is that right? If I am even close it's gonna
blow my mind.
Editor's Note: I have been getting a lot of mail from nancy-boys crying about the hero being named Tetsuo and not Akira.
Well, we all know what an idiot I am, so I didn't see why they got so worked up. I have a feeling that they washed a red t-shirt in with their white fancypants and ruined the whole load.
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Teenage Caveman -- Guest Review by Steve Paul, of Sketch Zine
So what can I really say about the movie, "Teenage Caveman" that we haven't
really thought a million times while watching a movie with a clever idea that
somewhere in the making stages went completely wrong?
The entire thing's about this young buck in a caveman-style mini-skirt that
is going through adolescence in a Neandethal society, but the entire story
takes place after the nuclear holocaust. The general theme is that after the
world blew up, the few people in society fell back into a zero technology
culture and we all had to start over from scratch again. Kinda a bummer of a
future if you think about it, but then you throw in the rebel against the
system, "We don't need no thought control, man!" theme, and what you end up
with is one gigantic mess.
Teenage Caveman mainly consists of four or five dialogs that are repeated
so often thoughout the course of the movie that you want to poke No. 2 pencils
in your ears to stop the insanity. (Editor's note: "The word is the law. The
law is the word. The good is the blah. Blah dee dee blah.") Plus there are
lots of neat monsters with really pathetic costumes, and eventually you begin
to ask yourself, "Does prolonged exposure to nuclear radiation really lead to
a mutated society full of Cro-Magnon beatniks, 60 year old Jimmy Stewarts, and
rubber Godzilla wanna-bes?" Something to think about before you go vote this
fall. Stick it to the man and tell him, "We don't want your rules and we
certainly don't want your goddamn war!"
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The Boy and His Dog
Allright, post-apocalyptic America... A young Don Johnson and his telepathic dog
roam the world looking for food and easy women. If you are confused about your feelings on this
one, it's o.k. I was fearful as well. But, get this, I would rate this movie in the same caliber
as Road Warrior and Mad Max.. and that's as good as it gets for me.
In fact.. the movie and people even look like Road Warrior. They also keep the convention
going of cool names for different kinds of gangs and junk. (i.e. Screamers, Solos, and Rovers)
It's just great. The plot is the kid and his dog roaming about and then hooking up with this chick
who is trying to lure Don underground (where the "normal" folk live) to impregnate all their women.
C'mon. Tell me that doesn't sound like a great movie. Underground is creepy as hell, and apparently
the good guys in the future will listen to recipes, Almanac reports and Paul Harvey-types.
It's another one of those Stand deals, where, if that is gonna be the future, then I hope I'm right
at Ground Zero. But I'll prolly still hold out and maybe I can hook up with the cool future cliques,
like in Future Kill. (I'm sure DEVO will be there).
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Escape from New York
I can't believe I have forgotten to do this one for so long. But, by the same token... I really can
believe it. I forgot all of my relative's birthdays this year, as well as my parent's 25th wedding anniversary... sheesh.
Anyway, it is arguable that this movie is not post-apocalyptic, rather, it is dark future. But do you really
care that much? I mean, aren't I witty enough, no matter what the movie that you will be entertained? Heh heh....
I'm going to end up using that argument to review Kung Fu movies soon enough.
O.K. I imagine most people have seen this one, or heard of it. It's an 80's post-apoc movie from that master of
horror, John Carpenter. Kurt Russel is the star, and he's as cheesy as ever. I still haven't seen the sequel (Escape from L.A.),
but I heard it's marginal. This doesn't surprise me. I mean, as good as this first one is... it's still not that hot.
There are good hairstyles and costumes though. I like the guy with the chicken hair, who looks like Nick Cave. But for
the most part the costumes are silly. I mean, where do these bikers and outlaws get Benjamin Franklin suits and the like?
I just don't see it happening.
The action makes up for most of this, though. And for some reason this movie has a charm to it that you can't
knock. I remember, as a kid, that I wasn't allowed to watch it. It was supposed to be really bloody and gory, and my folks
didn't want me going looney as a result of viewing it. (Little did they know). Of course I snuck out in the middle of the
night, 3am or something, and watched it at minimum volume on Showtime. I bet I've seen more than 100 movies in that fashion.
Sometimes, when I was younger, I would set the alarm for like 4:30am, just to watch movies that I wasn't allowed to see. Sadly,
most of them weren't as fine and intellectual as Escape from New York. And that says a lot about me.
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Damnation Alley
A wacky monster, starring both the guy from Airwolf and Hannibal from the A-team. Just apply both
of those shows together, add in a tank machine for the Airworlf, keep Hannibal exactly the same and you've
got Damnation Alley. But, I'm not saying that all that is bad. Good mixes of giant scorpions and
killer cochroaches keeps it interesting.
My favorite part of the movie was when they are in Las Vegas. Thank god it wasn't destroyed! Anyway,
they have these quarters and nickels and start playing slots like mad. I get shakey just thinking about
it. See, there are casinos here and I think I'm addicted... so I went cold turkey. Ugh. I also figured
out another valuable lesson to surviving the apocalypse.
LESSON: If you are traveling across the barren wasteland, that is the post-apocalyptic United States, in
a giant killer tank-van, then keep this in mind. Every other time you stop the van, something bad will happen.
The other times will prolly be to pick up freeloaders. In this movie, this lesson was pointed out as follows.
Stop 1: Nerdy guy dies.
Stop 2: Las Vegas, freeloader chick hops on.
Stop 3: Soul man eaten alive by giant mormon cochroaches.. heh.
Stop 4: Pick up little kid. (freeloader)
Stop 5: Stop at evil gas station, attacked by hicks.
Stop 6: Have a nice dinner outside.
etc. etc. etc. Anyway, it's good. Well, it's at least o.k. I still miss B.A. Barracus.
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Steel Dawn -- Guest Review by Eric Ewing
I have to admit I liked this movie when I was fifteen. Nine years
later, I have to admit that I was a pretty stupid kid. First of all this
movie's premise doesn't make sense. Secondly, there was almost no dialogue
in this film. What dialogue it did have, it should have done without. Don't
get me wrong, an all-action movie would've suited me fine. But apparently in
Post-apocalyptic Earth, people communicate the way people communicate at
funerals. A lot of unspoken messages and meaningful looks.
The way I put it together, although I must say that I was pretty
clueless about the setting and timeline, is that nuclear war destroyed all
freeways, buildings, cars, gas engines, textile mills, shotguns, etc. A
second war broke out after that. Not a tribal war but an "official" one.
There was an army that people enlisted in. After they enlisted they were
trained and issued these neat little swords that look like they were fashioned
with erector sets and then sharpened. Your sword was also a symbol of your
rank in said army. Well after this war played itself out, although how it
ended is extremely unclear,(As is whether or not I'm on the mark here) we
come to the current setting of our film.
Patrick Swayze plays an ex-commander in the second army, traveling the
desert without a home, destination, or name. He also spends a lot of time
standing on his head, which apparently makes him a better swordsman. He has
continued his training since the war courtesy of his own little desert Miyagi,
played by (insert bald asian actor here).
It starts with Patrick being attacked by underground desert mutants,
which is actually pretty cool but is quickly abandoned by the filmmakers as
it threatened to be too interesting. Instead, an evil swordsman named "Sho"
(I'm not kidding here.) shows up to kill Patrick's mentor with a sneaky knee
sword, see he's the bad guy 'cause he cheats. To get a good image of Sho,
picture a Beverly Hills waiter trying to be Malcolm Mcdowell in a hooker wig.
Well of course he doesn't kill Patrick because the film still has eighty
minutes to kill.
Patrick wanders into a farming community that unbeknownst to him,
resides above a natural spring. As water is the most precious item found on
Neo-earth, the viewer can see the plot and the film's finale boarding at the
station. "The Big City" sends the farmers a protector who, as soon as he
arrives, threatens to either kill them or enslave them. He calls himself
"Damnil" as "Aging English Bad Guy" doesn't sound futuristic enough.
Well, the one appeal this movie has is that supposedly features
swordfighting. They even advertised the fact that a dancer was playing the
hero. Obviously they were selling this to Dungeons & Dragons fans. Yet they
saw fit to remove any swordfights from seventy minutes of the film as it
might cause someone to pay attention. Instead they resorted to Good guy uses
martial arts to cause trouble for "Elderly British Villian". Until said
Baddie hires "Sho" (forgot about him, eh?) to kill Patrick. Which of course
he won't do quickly because he's a sporting bad guy, and of course the
obligatory happy ending. This leads to "The Big Swordfight" which is too
damn little, too damn late. The big surprises here are a)Patrick Swayze was
an officer and b)Sho was an officer. Big surprises. Patrick of course saves
a little farming child and his mother. hooray.
Interesting Post-apoc technology level. The English is all but
destroyed. Instead of cars they have wagons and wind racers, which are
basically soap box racers with a sail attached. They have no guns but they
do get these really nifty outfits which I couldn't possibly describe to you
if I all year. They are just too damn silly and too damn improbable
considering the tech-level these people are living at. They don't have the
ability to build descent looking shops in the town, but "Damnil" looks as if
he is building a skyscraper at his headquarters. They have electric lighting.
They have motorized pumps, and really complex farming equipment. I mean
COMPLEX. This movie can not decide nor explain how the Earth got to this
state. I mean it's too damn improbable. They can utilize electricity and
build motorized irrigation equipment but nobody saved a shotgun? Nobody
could build one?
In conclusion, this movie needed more shotguns, a different writer,
different story, and definitely a different production designer. Don't get
me wrong, I'm not a film-snob, but the inconsistencies in this movie will
make your head spin, and unfortunately it's not dumb enough to laugh at.
Editor's Note: This is my favorite Guest review. Tell me Eric doesn't have a shotgun fetish. Heh heh... he admitted to
me the way he found this page was to search for "shotguns and zombies".
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Warriors of the Apocalypse
Imagine if you will, a couple of pasty-faced geeks sitting around playing Dungeons and Dragons.
Something's gone awry however and the Dungeon Master forgot to take his Ridlin today. He starts throwing
midgets, tribesman, kung-fu barbarians, nudie girls and fertility rituals into the game. The players are so elated by
this fantastic adventure that they buy thousands of dollars of film equipment and make a movie out of
that module. I'm pretty sure that is how this movie got made.
"Warriors" is a real piece of work. I was astounded by every turn. I felt nauseous, yet giggly at every moment.
It's one of those movies that is great because you aren't expecting it to do anything. I mean, they have
nowhere to go but down.. there is no potential whatsoever. So it is easier to just enjoy the ride.
This movie is also great because it follows a lot of the standard post-apocalyptic conventions that
you've come to know and love. Here are some of them. 1) It seems that everyone in the end times is
named Snake.. or at least 1/3 of all people are. (Parents, start planning early. Name your kids snake
now and hurry along this little armageddon). 2) Apparently the business to be in after the world ends is
the guy who makes bondage gear and studded leather. Everyone is going to be wearing this stuff. I guarantee it.
No matter how hard food, gas, beer, etc. is to find in the apocalypse, studded g-strings are everywhere!
3) All of the women wear mops in their hair. Umm.. wait.. I guess that is a little freaky, and by no means
a convention. Heh heh.. nice touch though.
Anyway, rent this movie. You will be disappointed, but only because you want to be.
Hmm. What's that? You want to hear what it's about? C'mon. Take my word for it. It's just like
Mad Max only everyone lives in a mountain subway, worships fertility gods, shoots lasers from their eyes,
makes out only during full moon, over-acts. Oh yeah.. also, it's not very good really.
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Escape from L.A. - Guest Review by Mike Martinez
"Escape from the Movie Theater" would be a more suitable title
for this BOMB. That is exactly what was on the top of my to-do list
while I watched this piece of crap. The film starts out decently and
actually goes along pretty good if you dont mind the cheap looking
computer graphics and the VERY sub-par acting, but then everything takes
a dive when our hero from Escape from New York, Snake Plisken (Russel)
starts this pointless chase scene through downtown L.A. Another
not-so-great movie brought to us by John Carpenter, master of horror,
(yeah right) and director of Escape from New York. Yep, same movie as
Escape from New York, just updated for the nonexistent attention spans of
the 90s. Only a few variations from Escape from New York -why did
Carpenter make a sequel to his second crappiest movie ever anyway???
Low points include hang-glider shoot-em-up, surfing on a tidal
wave in order to chase Steve Buscemi (whos in a car), and Russel making
4 3-point shots in a row in some perverted form of Basketball. Nothing
comes close to the ending which sucks big monkey dick, just like the rest
of this movie. I cant believe Steve Buscemi would lower himself to
co-star in crap like this, and I thought he was cool!
Okay, redeeming values include: um, uh.... ? Well Steve Buscemi
is a plus, so is the fine chick from Hot Shots who gets killed (and
rather pointlessly at that). Oh yeah, Bruce Campbell has a bit part too.
(yay!) There where a few cool guns, and a little dab of good music.
This movie actually had a hit soundtrack, but all those "hit" songs have
little impact in the movie as John restricts them to short little camio
songs rather than theme music. Instead, he has to bore us to death with
his droning synthesizer music, which did have moments on Assault on
Precinct 13, but has no place here. Well, he may not know music like
John Tesh and he may have forgotten what exactly directing is all about,
but you at least got to give Carpenter a pat on the back for trying....
-sorta.
Editor's Note: I saw this one as well and I sorta liked it. Course, I was blitzed and we kept laughing at the goofy computer graphics and
going, "Dot Com *snicker*".
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Tank Girl -- reviewed by a crazy kid named Bob Lefevre
This movie stars Lori Petty, of Point Break fame, as, you guessed it,
Tank Girl. She drives a Tank, she includes assault weapons as part of
her foreplay with her bonehead boyfriend. Which leads us to the obvious
conclusion: You never should have traded in the wetsuit, Lori. The
only thing worse than her being in the movie is that she drives a tank.
The only thing worse than that was that my friend Julie had this tape at
her house for FOURTEEN DAYS. What's grosser than that? It was rented
on my card, which has been completely useless to me ever since with a
thirty dollar late fee that she refused to pay. I was so angered by
this that I can't remember anything about the movie, except that it
really isn't something any of us should be watching. (It has a little
kid in it for Christ's sake.) Need more proof? There is a five minute
music video scene of Lori Petty posing on her tank in different outfits.
Is this Girls Just Want to Have Fun? QVC? Back to the beach with this
bitch!
Editor's Note: Bob is a grouchy young punk rocker. I think that explains it all.
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Judge Dredd -- reviewed by AlexWard98
Judge Dredd is one of those movies that you can't decide if its great or it
sucks. Stallone is Judge Joseph Dredd. The legal system was rebuilt so that
the "Judges" are actually Judge Jury and Executioner. Stallone runs around a
lot yelling "I am the Luh" (Law I guess, but you know how ol' Sly talks) and
shooting people. Max von Sydow tells him he is too violent. Jurgen Prochnow
wants to start up the cloning project (Janus) that created Dredd and his evil
twin Rico (Armand Assante) Dredd has a nerdy sidekick ( the little guy from
Men behaving badly, John something or other) that runs around and cowers.
And Hershey, (some chick with a REALLY nice ass,) loves him and tries to make
him see that he is human and not just an emotionless clone. THe basic movie
goes something like this . Nerd released from prison, nerd goes to live in
apartment gets caught in block war, Dredd shows up, yells, "I am the luh" and
blows the crap out of everyone. Bad guy releases evil clone brother. Bad guy
and clone brother frame Dredd. Dredd gets sent to prison with nerd. Desert
cannibals shoot down Dredd and nerd. Dredd kills cannibals. Dredd and nerd
sneak back in city. Evil clone kills all judges but 3 or 4. Bad guy says
"Lets restart cloning project" Evil clone does away with badguy. Evil clone
makes clones of himself. Dredd, nerd, chick , evil clone and evil clone
decorative but basically useless sidekick (Joan Chen) fight. Clones and
cloning factory explode. Dredd exonerated, Chick smooches him, Dredd rides
off into the sunset, Directors cross fingers and hope for sequel. It was good
and fun if you don't mind a LOT of contradictions and flaws. Like, the world
outside has been blasted to hell, but they can build these really really
gigantic cities and have guns that are voice operated? And they have this
huge robot called an ABC combat robot (which is really cool by the way) when
did these bozos fight? A nuclear war doesn't leave much room for infantry
action! And the cities are out of room to build, yet the land is empty as far
as the eye can see. They cant expand a little outward? All in all, it is a
pretty damn good movie. Watch it while you are buzzing because it is too slow
sober and too complicated drunk!
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Judge Dredd -- reviewed by Boobookittyfrag
I AM DE LAW!!
Oh my god, they made a movie version of one of my favourite comics(if you're
scottish - you read 2000AD). WHY GOD WHY?
I was at a comic convention a few years ago, where the most popular event was
the Judge Dredd screening, with commentary by Alan Grant(who has written it
for years). We watched the opening montage of comics, and as soon as that had
passed, Alan stopped the movie saying 'that's the best part in the movie' -
yeah, he was right :)
We watched on, with Stallone dominating the majority of the screen, a friend
sitting next to me recounted the tale of Stallone winning best actor at the
french equivalent of the oscars - he got up on the podium and just said
'uuuuh, merci' - he knew it was a stinker, we knew it was a stinker, and the
french were obviously taking the mickey : )
I knew all was lost when Stallone took his helmet off( a helmet which Judge
Dredd creator Carlos Esquerra could put on because it was too small!!!!) -
old stoneface never took his helmet off in the comics, but the studio
obviously needed their stallone dollar - why i oughtta!! The only good things
in the movie were Mean Machine - who was true to form, the cameo by ian
dury(that's a lawgiver!! take your bleedin arm off!), and the lil in-jokes
for 2000ad readers - like the chopper smiley on the statue of liberty(blink
and you'll miss it!) Other than that, it's a stinky little Stallone vehicle
that should be avoided at all cost!!
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After the Fall of New York -- guest review by M4dM4x4073@aol.com
This movie is probably the worst ever made. Believe me.
"After the Fall of New York, I sincerely hope my home town is
thoroughly destroyed as to save any future generations ideas for movie plots.
This one is absolutely horrible. HORRIBLE!
Okay, so the movie starts off with some dude in Brooklyn or somewhere
around there, who is blowing on a trumpet. A nuke goes off in the background.
I think the subtitle says that the world had suffered 40 thermonuclear
wars...That alone makes me laugh. It's pitiful, I plead with you to save your
$1.50 or so to buy a TV Guide or some cheap party favors instead of renting
this. It's miserable.
So the hero is from some demolition derby in Nevada and he's called
in by a bunch of sick, twisted, not to mention perverted people in the Pan
American something or other. It's basically a society devoted to salvaging
what's left of society.
Fast forward through as much of the movie as you can. There's one
last fertile babe on earth. The hero dude must kickbox and fist fight over
wrecked buses in bus depots across the friggin' street from where the Mets
play. It's so cheap I could act the damned movie out by myself on the damned
sets themselves. It's some sick Italian made junk. Makes me wanna' spit
rigatoni.
So the bad guy gets his face ripped off and sown on and ends up
looking like a mismade Gucci purse. And the good guy dodges nukes left and
right to save the fertile chic so he can board a spaceship and have her all to
himself. Friggin' selfish. I pray that Mad Max, the god of all things post-
apocalyptic smites this movie forever and ever. Lordy, it sure do suck.
But if you can get a hold of this video, watch it so you can make me
feel better about my wasting of precious adolescent time when I should have
been in 6th grade...I skipped to watch this. Skipping doesn't pay. Stay in
school to spare yourselves this terror. It was self-inflicted and really
frowned upon. I'm still flogging myself for this. Damn me. Damn me...After the
fall of New York, there will most likely be a devastating collapse of personal
worth and self esteem. But, thankfully, this movie isn't a receptacle of used
thought, it's wholly original. I wish they copied something just so this could
be at least a failure. This is below failure. Okay, I'll shut up now. See for
yourself, BUT I WARNED YOU!"
Hehe...This is a horrible movie. Horrible.
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Soylent Green -- guest review by M4dM4x4073@aol.com
"This movie is the ultimate in dystopia. Dysto-what? Dystopia. It's
like...Where there was supposed to be a utopia, but there's something wrong or
something. Yeah. I think that's the way it goes...Okay, well, before my head
explodes like that nut from 'Big Trouble In Little China' (Bill Clinton, take
note!) I gotta' comment on this movie called 'Soylent Green'.
Well, for starters, the year is 2022 (Ballpark figure, it might've been
2020 or 2012 or some year in the 21st century with more two's in it than that
old commercial for the U.S. Postal Service I think it was...Remember? Two!
Two. Two!!! Two...Yawn. Sorry.). New York City is much cooler than it was
during 'After The Fall...' and besides, any city with Charlton Heston walking
around in it is considered holy ground for me.
To recap what happens in the first half hour of the movie, there's a
montage of photos goin' way back to our own Civil War, and the photos get more
and more recent and start depicting pollution, violence and all that nifty
jazz. So when the montage comes to a close and we see about a million sweaty
proles (Dammit, Orwell! Stop brainwashing me!) jammed onto the corner of some
street in the Big Apple, we know the Apple ain't that big anymore.
There are some 30,000,000 people on the island of Manhattan alone. No
one's got food, the toxic air forces people to wear facial apparel that would
only please Michael Jackson (Or maybe George Clooney), and the water, quite
frankly, is worse than the kind that damned hot dog vendor on the corner of
Lexington Ave. boils his goods in. Point is, things suck. That's the whole
point of this movie.
Charlton H. is an N.Y.P.D. officer who's been investigating some
murders and such. He is called into an upper class apartment where people have
air conditioning, good food (It's still far more synthesized than modern day
cafeteria food) and...Get this...WOMEN! The women COME WITH THE APARTMENTS!
They call them FURNITURE!!! This is just one thing of many that makes this
movie a wondrous achievement in the history of wondrous achievements. And no,
you sick fools, the guys don't sit on the women...Fer' Chrissakes...
So Heston has an old fart as a roommate. They live in a cubicle
somewhere in the city. The old dude is Eddie G. Robinson (::Snarl:: Yeah?
::Lights up a cigar::) and he's got to bike his chubby ass half way to
Kamchatka just to get a light bulb lit. But he dies in such an AWESOME
fashion!!! Anyway, back to the present. Let's not jump the gun just yet.
Heston steals food and falls in love with some lovely furniture at
this murdered politician's place. Heston has to find out what this has to do
with some other junk relating to the Soylent Corporation, which is the
Microsoft of synthesized food wafers. So? Why does he steal food? What's the
big deal? A tiny cube of real beef is defended by friggin' Brinks and costs
upwards of what one of Heidi Fleiss's pieces of furniture would run a Beverly
Hills pimp. Am I getting graphic? No, I'm just getting started. Oh, and covet
strawberry preserves, for in 2022, it costs $200 a jar!!! I'm hording it
already...
So Heston bumps into a nutty old priest in a church (Churches are
crappy places to die in, in this flic) who says something about Soylent Green,
which is Tuesday's food. It's the best out there. All the people want it. They
just don't like blue or red Soylent, but Soylent Green is the best. So people
riot over it!
Heston (A.K.A. Thorn) is on riot control. People are rioting like
mad and finally, the waste disposal team is ushered in. They drive into the
mass of people with huge garbage trucks (LOL!!!) and splatter some people
while picking up and hauling away others (AWESOME!!!). I can't remember what
happens in between because my mind is burning right now from some devilish
Mexican food.
But anyhow, Eddie G. Robinson dies. He dies in a euthanasia clinic
(Kevorkian should have taken a few pointers from this movie) lying in a
special theater while movies of the beautiful wilderness that is no more swirl
around him. Throw in a little classical music, and voila. Death is good. Thorn
(A.K.A. Heston) hides in a garbage truck only to make his way to Soylent
Corp.'s main processing plant (It's in Queens, N.Y., right outside a cemetary,
I know where it is!!!) And there, Soylent Green is made.
I'm not gonna' spoil the movie's great ending, go rent this baby
ASAP. But I find it odd that in real life a cemetary exists just outside the
movie processing plant. It still freaks me out to this date. Anyway, this
movie is awesome. It's got some of the coolest little subtleties of any film.
Trust me, it kicks ass."
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Red Dawn - Guest Review by the funky fresh tasting Steve Paul
Remember when PG-13 movies first came out? I do. I was 12. I remember
not knowing how the world really operated but still really wanting to see
the first PG-13 movie ever, a little diddy named "Red Dawn." I was scared
that they would reject me at the door for not being old enough, though.
That was the first time I learned the benefits of showing a little
flesh...um...nevermind. So the movie involves the Russians (remember
them?) invading the good ol' U.S. of A. during home room period at a local
high school. With one liberating shot, the fucking teacher has no head -
a visual that sends the entire school running for their lives. So now I'm
sure you are wondering, "Where the hell is there to run to when the Red
Army is all around you in full force and you are no longer able to get the
high school education you so desperately need?" I'm glad you brought up
that point, because, at the time I first saw the movie, I had no clue
either, but thanks to the genetically superior boys on the football team
(including Patrick Swayze --- remember HIM?!!) I now know that, when
threatened by the conquest of foreign invaders, you should always load up
on guns and go camping. "Red Dawn" is mainly a coming-of-age story
wrapped up in a good old fashion buddy picture, except it's got lots of
camouflage, AK-47's and rocket launchers. A lot of things have changes
since I was 12. I no longer fear conquest by the commies - like Patrick
Swayze's career, they too have faded into the darkness. Every once in
awhile, though, I still like to go into the forest, climb on top of the
biggest hill I can find and scream at the top of my voice,
"WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIIINES!!!" I also like watch "Dirty Dancing."
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The Terminator - Guest review by EaterOfTheDead42@aol.com
First off I want everyone to point at me, laugh and scream NERD! Okay,
now that that's out of the way I can get on with this. I have to say the
when I was kid I saw Terminator and Mad Max around the same time and they are
now still my two favorite movies of all time. But this is supposed to be
review of the movie not me babbling. I know, I know, the other reviews on
this page are supposed to be reviews also but don't blame me for that one.
Okay, right the movie.
The Terminator is not really a post apocalyptic film as it takes place in
Los Angeles in 1984 but it still falls well within the post apocalyptic
genre. The meta plot is this: A supercomputer called "Skynet" was created by
Cyberdyne Corporation and was adopted by the US Department of Defense and
within a few years was wired into the US defense network. Skynet became self
aware and the powers that be tried to pull the plug. Like any good/psychotic
AI if fought back by launching nukes against targets in Russia knowing that
the Russian counter-attack would destroy it's enemies here. So the world is
destroyed in a nuclear inferno. The remainder of mankind is rounded up for
systematic elimination. But in the death camps a man emerges and teaches the
humans to fight back and break out of the camps. The man's name is John
Connor. So a human resistance emerges against Skynet and the machines.
Eventually, in 2029, the resistance smashes Skynet's defense grid and are on
the verge of winning the war. As a last ditch effort Skynet decides to send
one of it's infiltration units, the T-800 Series or Terminator, back through
time using time displacement technology to the year 1984 to kill a 19 year
old Sarah Connor, John's mother, before he is born. When the resistance
storms the facility and they discover that the Terminator has been sent back
John sends a single man back to protect Sarah. That man is Kyle Reece.
After sending Reece they blow the facility to prevent anyone, or anything,
else from going back.
The plot of the film is the Terminator and Reece arrive, naked, in 1984
around the same time. Reece finds Sarah right away and just follows her
around until the Terminator gets around to trying to kill her. The
Terminator begins killing every Sarah Connor in the phone book, lucky for
Sarah she is the third and last. Reece and Sarah run away from the
Terminator and eventually get arrested, gun battles and car chases in
downtown LA result in that I hear. So here is another opening for a
bloodbath at the hands of the Terminator. He shoots up a police station and
allow for Sarah and Reece to escape. And now for a weird plot twist/time
paradox. Reece and Sarah hold up in a motel and make some explosives, then
realize they love each other and have sex. There's nothing like bomb cooking
that gets me all hot and bothered. Linda Hamilton's boobies are another plus
for the film. Anyway, we find out later that Sarah gets pregnant here and
Reece is John's father. Weird. The Terminator kills Sarah's mom and waits
for her to make contact. Which she does. Twit. So the Terminator busts in
and shoots up the motel. And then another car chase. This time with bombs
and a motorcycle, which are always good. Then a car wreck and a tanker
truck. The human still have bombs remember. Huge ass explosion follows.
Another plus. Reece and Sarah rejoice that it Terminator has finally been
destroyed. Then it stands up and shrugs off the debris of the truck it was
in. Now it has now skin and commences to chase them again. They run into a
factory and attempt to hide. Needless to say it finds them. They blow it up
again, this time with a pipe bomb in the gut, it kills Reece and continues to
chase Sarah, this time with no legs. Sarah eventually kills it by crushing
it in a metal press. Now for time paradox number two. The factory is owned
by Cyberdine Systems.
Now is where the nerd screaming is important. I wrote all that from
memory. To move on.
The movie has some bitching special effects and stunts. The film was
made on almost no money and employed what is best called 'guerrilla film
making'. Most of the movie was made with no filming permit or permission
from the athorities, remember what I said about gunfights and car chases in
downtown LA? The movie is expertly written and directed by the self
proclaimed "king of the world" James Cameron. Special effects were done by
the man, Stan Winston.
All in all, this movie fucking rocks. I guess I could have said that to
begin with and saved everybody's time. Well tough, I wrote it so you have to
read it. There, I guess I told you. You all can feel free to scream nerd at
me again if you like.
Disclaimer: No nerds were harmed in the writing of this review. Unless
you count self inflicted. Too much caffine, combos and Ozzy Osbourne.
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