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Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone
I really have to reach back in the dusty closet for this one. I mean, I'm
lucky if I can remember what I had for breakfast, but were are talking 6th
grade for this movie. My dad used to have a vast video library (all dubs) and
he had
them labeled and sorted by name. It was a marvel to see. Anyway, one of the
movies he had in the Sci-Fi section was Spacehunter. I skipped school one day
and watched it. Or maybe the whole family watched it? Who knows.
Anyway, it's got Molly Ringwald in it again. Dang, she's got something
going here. I can't remember the plot except to say that it's nuts. For some
reason I always associated this movie with Beastmaster. Oh yeah... this is
good... at the beginning of the movie, when the ship is flying. I think you can
see a parking lot in the upper right corner. Maybe this is another movie? I
forget.
As far as the actual film goes... it's good. I would pay $1 to rent it.
No kidding. Just the scene with the villain doing his "life-draining schtick"
is worth a buck. Live a little, man.
I was thinking about this movie today, and you know... it's not very
post-apocalyptic. Just Sci-Fi. But since I wrote the damn review already I'm
a-keepin' it.
Editor's Note: Well, some nice person mailed me to give me the plot of this movie. Here you go.
If you are going to keep the space hunter in the
forbidden zone review the plot runs along the lines of, three rich women
crash on a planet in the forbidden zone and the space hunter and his female
android sidekick go to collect them, for the substancial reward. The android
gets killed in a battle on the planets surface, amd the intrepid space hunter
teams up with survivor Molly. They then team up and head off to rescue the
three damsels in distress from the evil overdog. - Johnathan Copping
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Day of the Triffids
This movie should be a yardstick for every movie ever made. Especially
post-apocalyptic movies. I mean, if they could make such a great looking movie
with 60's tech and with 60's money, then anything is possible. This movie kicks
the crap outta movies that just came out last week. But maybe I should
explain?
The earth is showered with meteorites and of course almost everyone has to
look at them in all their purtiness. Well, not only are these meteorites
harboring evil carnivorous plants, but they make you go blind. Only the people
who don't look at them are spared. I think the Stand ripped this concept off a
little. You get a rag-tag bunch left over, drunks, sailors, a little girl...
etc.
Well, then these Triffids (carnivorous plants) start moving around,
multiplying and kicking serious butt. They are poisonous and they turn you
green when before they eat you. It seems like there isn't going to be any
hope, cause they are organized like the Borg or ants. At this point the
characters in the movie should be thankful that "War of the Worlds" was ever
realeased. Because it turns out that the alien's weakness is just everyday sea
water.
This movie has a lot of the standard conventions that you see in post-apoc
movies these days. Societies' fabric is torn to shreds and there are always
roving bands of wrongdooers. In this movie, it is drunken convicts. But, like
in Dawn of the Dead you had the bikers. I took this to heart, so when the end
hits, I'm hanging out at seedy bars to meet the future.
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Independence Day
Drag. I have to say I was heavily disappointed in this movie. They way I see it, they had enough
money and actors and junk to make a movie that rivalled Star Wars. But Noooo... they have to louse
it up with stupid gags and one-liners and modern Hollywood idiocy. Ugh.
O.K. It wasn't all bad. I mean, the first part was pretty cool and the effects were way bitchin.
But that's where it ends. I hated all the characters and couldn't sympathize with them at all. I was
rooting for everyone to die. Even Jeff Goldbloom, and I like him. I don't even want to review this one
because I'm sure you've all seen it. We were all tricked into that one. And then ripped off.
The end.
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Waterworld
Hmm... Halfway through this one, I had decided I was going to tell you guys this, "I expected this
movie to suck so badly that I was pleasantly surprised." This was, however, before I had finished this
monstrosity. It came at me with a wicked case of Independence Day-itis. Stupid puns and one liners and
ridiculous action ruined it. But, let's not talk about that, hmmm? Let's talk about the beginning.
The first 1/2 or so of this movie was even good, I would go as far to say. I mean, sure, it is
just Road Warrior on water, but who said that is bad? I mean, I wouldn't mind seeing Road Warrior of
the classroom or something. It also had neat gadgets, and you know what a sucker I am for that kinda junk.
I don't think they thought out all of their ideas very clearly, so you really had to want to believe in the movie.
For example, dirt is rare and precious, yet spam is as easy to come by as salt water? Didn't all that junk
sink to the bottom of the ocean?
Now that I think about it, if you were going to compare this movie to the Mad Max series, I would
compare it to Beyond Thunderdome. I mean, Kevin is already getting old (and he's got long hair) and there
is no edge or roughness to the movie. It also has the same Peter Pan-ish quality as Beyond. Did anyone
else think they ripped off the crazy air balooner character from the sidekick in Road Warrior? I mean, they both operate
goofy flying machines and they are completely bonkers.
Anyway... I'm not going to talk about the end of this movie, or the Valdez joke (which was horrendous)
, instead I'll tell you this. If you rent it, pay no more than $1. Then turn the movie off at the first
sign of ridiculousness. Well, maybe not the first sign... but if you passed the 1/2 point... it's all over.
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The Last Days of Planet Earth
Holy crap was this movie kooky. It's Japanese, first of all, and I'm guessing that it was made-for-t.v.
Anyway, if I had to say what the cause of the apocalpyse is in this movie, I'd have to say Nostradaumus (sp?).
Yeah... that's right... Nostradaumus. Or, if you want me to get specific, then it'd be apocalypse by Giant Slugs,
Radioactive Bats, Pollution, Radiation, Nuclear War, Riots... sheesh. See, they just show what the world would
be like if all of his predictions come true... Yep, it's a whopper. The movie is a little slow at times,
but just wait a few mintues and you'll be greeted with happy surprises like mutant hopping children, and leeches the size of your arm.
The really big plus to this movie is the theme music. I liked it so much that i'm making a new band that
will only do sci-fi movie themes... or originals that sounds just like them. "Theme from Last Days of Planet Earth" will be our
first song. It's got this wacked-out theremin going, or some other noise that sounds like that spooky woo-woo junk
you hear in scary movies. Fantastic.
Little things about this movie boggle me. I can't imagine how it got made and why they did some things they
way the did. I mean, there are huge explosions (albeit in miniature.. but still) and then there are big car
crashes and junk... so obviously they weren't entirely broke when they made it. But, then when the radioactive
bats swoop down and attack, they have visible strings all over the place. Maybe this is a joke? But I really
doubt it. Anyway, no matter what you are expecting, this movie will blow you away... just maybe not in the
way that you are expecting.
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Night of the Comet
Ladies and Gentlemen. Announcing a cage-grudge-death match. In this corner, we have Dawn of the Dead.
In opposite corner, Day of the Triffids. And in our third corner, Valley Girl.
This is what this movie is. If you are wondering who wins in such an unusual match, the answer is no one.
I watched this movie in the same weekend as Warriors of the Apocalypse and it took me three attempts to
get all of the way through it. Whereas I just breezed right on through "Warriors". I think that much speaks volumes.
Now, don't get me wrong. A lot of the movies I've reviewed for these pages have looked and been much, much worse.
I think this one bothered me because it was almost like a real movie. I mean, the only thing you can really bitch about
is the plot. There aren't minor filming, acting, effects flaws to distract you. Therefore you can focus
your full hatred on the plot. Does that make sense?
Anyway, this is your basic Up-All-Night movie, only without the nudity and quirkiness that makes them so charming.
Comets fly over the planet and instead of turning everyone blind (a la Day of the Triffids) they turn everyone into dust.
Somehow, though, some people are turned into Zombies instead. I have to admit that I liked this, even though
there was absolutely no explanation given for it. I mean, there is no movie that is so bad that Zombies won't make it worse...
umm.. yeah.
O.K. To top it all off, there are some wacky plot twists in this movie that they actually did pretty good.
I won't ruin it for you. Course, if you have a half a brain you'll prolly figure it out way before I did. Well.. actually I never
figured it out until they revealed it. See, I am dumb. Anyway, I forgot to talk about the "Valley Girls" in this movie.
Maybe that is because they are about as Valley-ish as a drunken monkey. Huh?
Anyway, you can prolly afford to skip this one. That is, unless you want to hear cool 80's-ish music and a
wicked cover of "Girls just wanna have fun" that sounds just like Cyndi Lauper, only different.
Okey doke. I've gotten a lot of crap about my review of this movie. My advice, avoid criticizing 80's nostalgia movies. Anyway, here's a guest editor comment from Gene Splicer.
Guest Editor's Note: You reviewed Night of the Comet, and stated that no explanation was given for some of them turning into zombies. The explanation was that exposure to the cometery radiation (bleeeeach) messed up your brain chemistry, making you prone to outbursts of anger. This didn't really matter, because it also caused rapid and fairly impressive dehydration (in the lose ALL your water content and turn into dust manner) (paraphrasing madly here) Somehow this effect is blocked by steel, so people who were in airtight, steel containers were saved. People with partial protection (unsealed containers, sleeping under sheet metal) weren't affected so badly, and started dehydrating verrrry sloowly. They didn't actually turn into zombies, though. Just a bunch of soon-to-be-dead psychopaths with flaky skin.
Besides, the REAL point of this movie is to watch Chakotay swear.
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Fist of the North Star -- Guest Review by Mike Martinez
Okay, I know there’s two versions of this movie, the American movie
version and the Japanese Cartoon/ Anime/ Japanimation/ Manga/
whatever-the-hell-ya-wanna-call-it. Well I never saw the American
version, but I heard it sucked, besides the fact that that annoying kid
from Hook got killed somewhere along the line. But anyway, I saw the
Japanese version and Hoooweey was I amazed. Not by the very poor
dubbing, the bad editing (several scenes supposedly "cut" from the
Japanese version still had pieces left which you every now and then
caught a peak at.), or the incredibly cheap animation. When people
walked their upper halves stayed in the exact same position, and when
they talked, they didn’t even blink; their mouths just kept opening and
closing. Nope, what really made this a movie was the totally mindless,
off the wall, gratuitous, eye popping (literally) VIOLENCE.
Hell, never in this man’s life has he seen so many heads
exploding form absolutely no reason, limbs detaching themselves, or
people disintegrating into piles of intestinal track and other
miscellaneous guck. I know Toei made this movie, but I remember a guy in
the credits had the name "Fukio" and I thought that was funny. Anyway,
whoever the hell made this movie was a fucking psychopath. I mean like
someone who goes out and wounds squirrels with a pellet gun and then
debones them while they’re still alive and hangs them from a tree and
torches ‘em with a zippo just for some sort of orgasmic adrenaline rush.
In a nutshell: The world’s been blown up by a nuclear war
sending virtually everyone to the bone yard, while those who live through
it get some sort of magical ninja powers which allow them to beat the
crap out of each other, which is pretty much what goes on. Some guy
steals another guys’ chick and tries to kill him, so he gets pissed and
chases after him, after spending several years perfecting the art of
beating the crap out of people. Meanwhile this guy named Ral is killing
like everybody else, he tries to send our main character to the hurt
locker with his little weakling cronies who subsequently get their skulls
punched out of their mouths. I swear, I am not making this up! Then
Ral hires these ninja guys and fights the main character in the middle of
the city and the two kick each others’ ass in this (very) bloody fist
fight.
Well there’s a pointless nude scene thrown in to spice things up,
and obviously the animators couldn’t decide what size everybody was.
(You’ll have to see in order to know what I’m talking about.) The best
scene in the movie was where this guy killed his guard just for looking
at his face. It’s got some great post apocalyptic stuff too, such as a
scene of an oil tanker stuck through the side of a building, that band of
rich people wandering through the desert, and the fact that the only two
cars left are convertibles! Well, if you love violence, nudity, the end
of the world, or just want to laugh your ass off at some really poor
animation, rent the damn thing.
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The Quiet Earth
Hoooo ah! I'm back in action. This is 9-23-97 and this is my first review in a coon's age. I actually saw
this movie about 3 months back and it rocked my world. It was kind of cold outside and I believe I was recovering from a mean hangover.
Anyway, it is English or Australian and it features the main male lead in many wacky full frontal nudity scenes. I know all youse fancy pantses is just
rushing out there to purchase it now.
Editor's Note: Ahem. I guess it is a New Zealand movie. Sorry all you kiwis out there.
So... the cause of apocalypse is some kind of accidental energy feedback explosion something or other. And the only people who are left alive are the people
who were currently in a state of dying when it happened. So, if you were popping pills and were out of your body when the end hit... you are perfectly safe and alive now. Makes perfect sense, eh?
Like I was saying, there is only 3 people left on earth that you get to see and they are trying to stop the world from going completely in the shitcan.
It is 2 guys and a girl, so there is some wacky tension about who digs who and who is rollin in the hay with who. These sort of situations make me feel uncomfortable, but I liked the way they did it.
Anyway, real good looting in this one and you get to see the guy go all wacky and crazy and junk. He starts broadcasting over the airwaves and he gets less and less stable as the days
go on. Pretty much a perfect world.... I think I would put this one on my top ten list. It even inspired me to make a post-apocalyptic rap son. I will post it on here very soon in RealAudio format. Check out
Volumen Records for more of this insanity. It's my label. But I digress. What was I talking about? Oh yeah... I love tacos too. Especially squirrel.
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Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978) -- reviewed by Boobookittyfrag
I'd actually avoided this version of the movie after seeing the pitiful 90's
version(only saving grace was meg tilly - hubba hubba) - expecting paper
mache pod people and horrific seventies fashion.
So after yet another insomnia ridden night with nothing on the telly, I
chanced upon the Donald Sutherland take on the 50's paranoia movie.
It opened on a surprisingly convincing setup of squidgy aliens which
instantly made me regret eating the king-size kebab earlier that evening, a
sense of nausea which wasn't going to go away the more of the movie I
watched.
It goes into the action pretty quickly, with Brooke Adams' beau being changed
right at the beginning, and the growing frustration of Brooke adding to the
urgency and paranoia that is mounting in the film already. The real star of
the movie is most definitely Donald Sutherland, at first dismissive of
Brooke, thinking her witterings on just the product of a daft woman(which
happens a lot in the 70's), but then becoming the last stand against the pod
people(to no avail). The cast are fantastic, a youthful Jeff Goldblum and
Veronica Cartwright illustrating that without passion - you are virtually
dead. Spo-I mean Leonard Nimoy plays a world renowned shrink who is (rather
predictably) turned to the pod people - I actually found myself wanting to
smack him in the face a couple of times because of his extremely patronising
attitude towarrds the other characters - a satire on the touchy-feely america
that was emerging maybe?
By this time, Donald Sutherland is on fine form, making you feel just as
scared, just as hopeless, just as nauseous because you know there is no
escape from the inevitable conclusion of the film.
The end of the film was fantastic, I'm not going to ruin it for you - but I
am going to give you some advice for watching it. Make sure you haven't had
insomnia for more than three days, by that time reality with be no friend to
you; don't eat anything greasy or spicy - believe me this will make you
nauseous; and watch it during the day in a brightly lit room - sitting in a
dark room with the curtains drawn shut at three in the morning after a six
pack of beer will make you think the pod people are after you!
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