I am thinking "the page is what I like." Then it was said -- "The page is good." No, I mean your page is rockin. I trully understand what you mean the whole time (about the apocolyptic movies etc..) It is great.
Editor's Note: This first part isn't a review... I know. But it's nice.

Blah blah, insert dummy line of text here, yadda' yadda'. Van Damme gets crucified by these weird punks. They're really freaks, you know. And their leader is a ghost from Van Damme's past. Yeah, V.D. has some freakish flashbacks. He remembers being let down a well with barbed wire all over his body, which must hurt, but never does in the post-apocalyptic world. So the bad dude was a bully from V.D.'s post-nuclear school yard days or something...Anyway, Van Damme has gotta' save this cyborg by bringing her to that place called...(Gasp) ATLANTA!

Van Damme doesn't hop off his crucifix like we all wished Sparticus could. I wish Van Damme stayed up there. The movie lulls for another half hour and I woke up just when V.D. kicked his mortal enemy, the bully with the funky sunglasses, into a meat hook in that place called...(Gasp)...ATLANTA!

So Pearl is delivered to some scientists...They like save the world or something. Okay, here's the low down. Good scenery in this movie. It's great when it comes to the ruins and such. The acting is piss poor and the violence is gratituous. I don't remember any sex in the movie, but at the age of 7, when I saw this, I didn't know what the hell sex was...It must have been some distant cousin to the number six or something. This movie is lame. I'm going to collapse now."

Robot Jox -- Guest Review, mailed in by Shawn Hanson

Ah, the special effects, where to start... Well, in 2018 (or whatever), cybernetic research has progressed to the point where the human race is capable of building huge, warrior robots that are powered by nothing more than stop-motion animation. I don't know what I was expecting, but I wasn't expecting to see something that would remind me of the cartoon short I helped make in 6th grade as part of a TAG project. There are also a bunch of scenes where the robot's hand or foot crashes through a window, and then they cut to someone behind a desk who falls back as they try desperately to pretend that they're actually frightened/surprised by the obvious blue screen in front of them. Okay, maybe there were only 2 scenes, but they still stand out due to their badness...

Let me stop for a second for a quick plot summary, just to get it out of the way. The main character is Achilles, the good guys' (U.S. equivalent) best jock. The main bad guy is Alexander, the bad guys' (The Confederation, a.k.a., U.S.S.R.) best jock. Achilles (who, incidentally, is played by the moronic butt-face who was the human cop in the Alien Nation series) has one fight left (out of a 10 fight contract), and it will be against Alexander to decide who gets Alaska. They fight, Alexander cheats (there's two rounds, in the first you can use ranged weapons, in the second it's just melee weapons, so Alexander shot his robot's fist during the second round [just like my old Transformer toys!]), his cheating endangers spectators, Achilles tries to save them, the fist hits his robot instead...and knocks it right into the bleachers, killing 300. Achilles has a crisis of confidence, which is bad since the refs declare the match a draw and schedule a rematch. He quits, and the slot instead goes to this not-too-attractive-but-in-this-movie-she's -supposed-to-be woman who's one of the new genetically engineered jocks who've just started training. Oh, I forgot to mention that the other two main characters include a japanese weapons specialist (who likes to fold origami, since he's japanese, you see) who outifts the 'bots, and this really hokey texan that runs the control room and always overacts being from the south to the point of stupidness. There's a minor subplot about there being a spy on the inside stealing weapons secrets, and that point is illustrated by how during the first Achilles vs. Alexander (live on pay-per-view!) fight, Alexander's 'bot was outfitted with the *same* "green laser" (what?!) as Achilles 'bot. It was 'sposed to be a secret weapon, but the secret behind this particular special effect hasn't been secret since 1983. Anyway, Achilles comes out of retirement, the chick doesn't like it, she sedates him and takes the 'bot out to meet Alexander. Meanwhile, it turns out the spy was the texan, and he was found out by the japanese weapons specialist. The texan had no choice but to kill him and make it look like a suicide, though it was never explained how no one noticed that the japanese guy had chosen to kill himself by shooting himself FROM THREE FEET AWAY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHEST. I guess they don't have forensics in the future... So the chick fights Alexander, does okay for a bit, but then starts to get her ass kicked and loses once she loses consciousness. The refs come up in their little roofless flying saucer thingy and declare him the winner, but he wants to finish her off. (Meanwhile, back in the control room, the japanese guy videotaped his final confrontation w/ the texas guy, and it plays in the control room, so the texan escapes and flings himself down the robot's storage silo to his bloody death [yay!!]) _Meanwhile_, Achilles left the control room while she was getting ripped a new one, and he hopped in his hover car (quite possibly the *lamest* effects in the movie were associated w/ this car) and raced out to the battlefield. Meanwhile, Alexander won't back off (since all russians who're good at anything are egomaniacal pricks, you see), the refs declare the good guys the winners by default, he squishes their saucer (they escape), and Achilles shows up and challenges Alexander to fight using the chick's downed robot. They fight, they fly into outer space (what the?!...), they fly back down, Achilles morphs his 'bot into a tank, Achilles fails to take the initiative at least 67 different times when he could have either destroyed or incapacitated Alexander's robot, Achilles-the-dumbass manages to get his robot blown up like the turd he is, he runs over behind the severed forearm of Alexander's robot that the chick had cut off earlier, he hotwires the arm to fire the fist and it blows up Alexander's robot when it happens to bump into its chest. But wait, there's more! Alexander's not dead, so they fight hand to hand for a while before Achilles makes peace with him (there's a poignant moment when Alexander says something like, "we're already dead, we're jocks" *sniff*). Then, finally, it ends. Okay, I guess that wasn't a very short summary. It's not my fault the movie jumped around...